Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
