he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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