Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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