Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
