Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
