i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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