I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize