I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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