I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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