You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
They have beer where we have blood.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
