I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
