You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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