Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.