I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
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I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.