does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
