i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
