My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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