And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
