1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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