false alarm. still invincible.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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