I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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