The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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