i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
