I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
