I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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