Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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