Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
