I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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