I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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