Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
