Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
my liver is dry heaving
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
