So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
They have beer where we have blood.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
