Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
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He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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