dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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