I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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