Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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