For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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