I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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