My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
