he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
