i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
