Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
