sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
