just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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