These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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