The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
