thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
