Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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