I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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