just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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