she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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