ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
that may or may not have been my penis.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
