There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dignity is for republicans.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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