no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
