One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Operation Purity has been aborted
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
