Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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