Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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