I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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