You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
